Midnight. Why is it these thoughts always come to plague me
at midnight? For the last hour or so I’ve
been staring at the ceiling fan spinning like a ballerina on crack, threatening
to break off from whatever it is that holds it in place. Very much like my life
at this moment, barely holding on by the last screws, waiting for another disappointment
to come along and finish off with it. What once was a room I looked forward to
now seems empty and lugubrious. Suddenly
I can see every defect on the walls, every crack, every stain, and every
imperfection. The grey walls seem to echo the sad thoughts that take up residence
within my skull, and even the reflections in the mirror seem to stare back at
me in disapproval. I find myself at another dead end. It was a brewing for some
time now, but it finally boiled over. I can’t stand it anymore.
Unemployment has a way of kicking your ass like that, ask
anybody. I’ve been without a job for about two months now and I am finally
feeling the strain. I’ve been submitting
applications left and right to no avail. The sad thing is I attended school
last year for training in the Medical field and that has proven to be a tree
that bears no fruit. Money down the drain. What I was slowly molding into a comfortable existence
is now falling apart quicker than I care to admit. My cell phone service has
been interrupted, I don’t drive to conserve the little gas I have left in the
car, and I’ve had to resolve to ask for money to buy my cigarettes. That last
one is how I truly know I’m in a shit hole, not being able to support my own
vices. Pathetic. But life goes on as miserable as it may be.
You would think I would have it easier given I have a man to
fall back on. Don’t get me wrong, he helps in any way he can, and I’m sure if
it weren’t for him I would truly be lost. But the thing is he doesn’t
understand my forlorn state of mind. He feels I’m in my current situation due
to a lack of trying, and that’s what hurts me the most. Sometimes I feel as if
I have nobody to turn to and that is why in turn I am reaching out to you, any
reader who has the misfortune to come across my blog.
So throw me a pity party! I know whining about my problems
never got me anywhere, but at this point that is all I can do. Get it off my
chest in the hopes that tomorrow will be different. That tomorrow will be the
day I get a call for a job. That tomorrow I won’t have to smoke charity cigarettes.
Wishful thinking. But for now I’ll just listen to the metallic groans of the wobbly
ceiling fan I mentioned before, the never ending barking of the mutts on the
street, and the Rancheras blasting from the house next door. The neighbors have
had one too many tonight… again. Here’s hoping that I will eventually dose off
and get some sleep which is the only time my mind is at ease.
