I sat in silence holding a cup of coffee in my hands that
grew colder with each passing moment. He sat across from me, a blank expression
on his face as he stared out the window watching the rain falling in waves
outside. I studied him, wondering what was going on behind those sad green
eyes. What was the reason for all of this? Why had he brought me here? I truly
doubted it was to watch him lost in thought all night.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
There was a sudden awareness in his eyes as he came back
from whatever thoughts plagued him. He turned to me slowly, again those sad
green eyes haunted me. “You know I love you, right?”
The words were cold and emotionless, deprived of the flame
they held before. I was overcome suddenly with the realization that the night
was headed for disaster. “What’s wrong?” I asked again as it was now obvious
something was troubling him.
“You know things just aren’t the same anymore.”
“Things change.”
“But not always for the better.”
He took a sip from his coffee and placed the cup back on the
table, gently, carefully, contemplating what to say next.
“You know I love you, right?” Again the same question was
asked of me making me uneasy.
“Yes. And I love you back as I always have.”
His lips parted as he let out a heavy sigh and his eyes met
mine. “That’s why I brought you here tonight, because I love you. Because I
don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”
“Anymore than you already have? What are you talking about?”
He leaned over pushing our drinks aside and took my hands in
his. As always his grip was firm but his hands felt cold and clammy, so unlike
him.
“I always feared this would happen.” He stated looking down
at the table.
“That what would happen exactly?”
“We’ve grown apart, can’t you see? Things are not the same
anymore, WE are not the same anymore.”
I let go of his hands, pulling back away from him. This is
why we were here, this was to be our goodbye. I felt my body go numb and I
found it harder to control my breathing. I couldn’t believe it, this couldn’t
be happening.
“But why” I whispered.
“Who can say? Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be.”
My heart raced as memories of him flooded my mind, my head felt
like it was on fire. I recalled the night I had met him, how it all had begun
with a simple smile and a friendly “Hello”. I remembered our first kiss, and
then our second, and third. I remembered the walks in the park, the long
conversations on the phone, the flowers he gave me, the kisses goodnight when
he dropped me off at home. What felt like a lifetime of happiness relived in
the blink of an eye.
“Then why say that you love me?”
“Because I do, you know you will always have a special place
in my heart. But I just can’t be with you anymore.”
“Boy, that must be very special indeed. You love me so much
you can’t be with me.” I replied making sure that every word I uttered was
saturated in hate and sarcasm.
“You don’t understand…” he started.
“No, I don’t understand” I interrupted, “How can you say you
love somebody and then hurt them so easily? Why promise me something you never
felt? Why string me along the way you did, only to cut me loose when I need you
the most?”
“It’s not like that.” He replied.
“That’s exactly how it is!”
“How can I say this without sounding like a jerk?”
“There isn’t a way, so just say it.” I muttered under my
breath.
“I’ve met someone else.”
It was a good thing I was sitting just then as that last
statement came as a complete shock to me. Never in a million years did I expect
to hear him utter those words and yet he did. I sat there frozen, wondering if
my heart was still beating. Seconds felt like hours as I let this information
sink in. I felt like the floor had been taken away from beneath my feet. But I
knew I had to finish this, no matter how much I felt like curling up and dying
at his feet.
“You met someone else…” I echoed his statement. He simply
nodded in response. I turned away from him just then, I didn’t want him to see
the tears that were forming in my eyes. I wouldn’t let him see how much his
confession had wounded me. I wouldn’t give him the pleasure. I hid my pain
behind my eyes, eyes that felt dead and empty now. “Then I guess there is
nothing more to say.”
I stood up from the table praying that my legs wouldn’t give
away under me and made my way towards the exit. I had to get out of there, I
couldn’t endure the sight of him another moment. I stepped out into the cold
rain not bothering to shield myself against it. The tenebrous sky reflected how
I felt inside, no ray of light, no ray of hope. My heart felt shattered and
broken.
I’m not sure how long I wondered aimlessly, lost in thought.
It must have been for a good while given I was drenched to the bone, not that I
cared. I was a mere shell of myself, a zombie walking the streets. My feet
seemed to know the way though as I continued on my way in no direction in
particular, my clothes sticking to me, my hair dripping down onto my face.
Then I realized I knew this street, I had made my way to HIS
street, a few blocks away from his home. Suddenly, I was filled with a sudden
urge to see him, to have my say. I knew if I could just talk with him I could
make him see the error of his way. He would realize that he couldn’t be happy
with anybody else, that I was the only one for him and that we were meant to be
together. Yes, I would run down to his house and demand to speak to him. I
would win him back with my declarations of love and my promises of devotion. I
wouldn’t go down without a fight.
I broke into a run, my vision blurred by the rain, my feet
diving into endless puddles of water and mud. I ignored the pain that was
shooting down my rib cage like the bolts of lightning that tore up the night
sky. I was determined to reach him. I slowed my pace and came to a stop a few
houses away from his. His car was parked in the driveway and I could tell even
from where I stood that he was standing on his front porch.
I made my way closer and was about to call out to him when I
noticed he wasn’t alone. I focused my eyes and realized he was embracing
somebody. I felt my heart sink as I realized that must be the somebody else he met, the somebody else who stole his love away
from me. I was too late, he had won.
I turned back around and came back the way I came. There was
nothing else I could do, I had lost him. I walked down the street feeling
another piece of me shrivel away and die with each step that I took. Never had I
felt as alone as I did in that moment. I came to the realization that love is
just not meant for me. I knew this must be true because whenever I thought I had
finally found love, something always came swooping down to tear it away from my
clutch.
I wondered off into the night, broken and wet, thinking “Why
must I end up with nothing when he gets to end up with you?”
