Hopscotch

Drawing- Emily from Corpse Bride.

Drawing- Ursula from The Little Mermaid

Wanted to see if I could still draw worth a shit. Turns out I'm rusty as fuck. I officially ruined her when I decided to color her.

Fist Full Of Sand

I called his cell phone one more time, with hopes that he would answer. Straight to voicemail yet again. It had been over two hours since he left to go buy some beer, but last time I checked the corner store was not that far away. I knew he was up to something by this point, he wouldn’t have taken my car keys with him if he wasn’t. So I was stranded at home with no way to go look for him, not that I would know where to begin in all honesty. But being stuck here, not being able to do anything was driving me crazy.

Again, I pulled the curtains aside and peered through the window thinking maybe this time I would see headlights pulling into the driveway. No such thing, just some random alley cat relieving itself on the front lawn. I made a mental note to place some water dishes spiked with antifreeze out the next morning. Dinner had gotten cold a long time ago and I decided I best put it away, after all no one would be eating tonight by the looks of it. I didn’t have much of an appetite anyway, not after he pulled his vanishing act on me. I can’t say I was surprised; it wouldn’t be the first time he had pulled this shit on me. Yet the constant repetition didn’t ease the anger, growing in me like some disease spreading into my limbs. He would be sorry for abandoning me here tonight to go out and do god knows what.

I had already called some of his friends and family to make sure he hadn’t gone by to visit. They all said the same thing, they hadn’t heard from him. At least now if he came home telling me he went to visit his mother like he usually did, I could tell him what a bad liar he was. I tried to keep myself occupied by cleaning up a bit but even that didn’t seem to help and I finally ending up settling for watching reruns of Will and Grace trying to kill some time. That is all I had to do after all, wait for him to show up.

Soon enough I heard his truck pulling into its usual resting place in our driveway. I stopped pacing back and forth, from room to room, and went to stand by the front door. I stood there waiting for him to come in, preparing myself for any story he would try to have me believe, for I knew that anything that came out of his mouth would more than likely be a lie.

Finally, I heard the screen door creak as it was pulled open and his keys jangle as he inserted them to unlock the door. The door opened as he stepped in, or rather staggered in I should say. Apparently he had been telling the truth about buying beer as I could tell he was clearly intoxicated with the way he swerved to and fro. Now I just had to get to the bottom of WHERE he had gone to drink his beer. He wasn’t even completely through the doorway when I went off on him.

“Where the hell have you been?!”

He closed the door behind him and stepped past me, ignoring my question only leaving the stench of cheap beer behind. I followed him into the bedroom where he had begun to peel off his clothes. He seemed oblivious to the fact that I was standing there looking at him as he flung his dirty work boots into a corner of the room.

“I’m talking to you, don’t fucken ignore me! Where have you been?”

“Don’t start with me, I was at my moms.”

 He was lying to me, I had already called his mother. What kind of an idiot did he take me for?

“I spoke with your mother earlier liar, you weren’t there.”

He turned to me with a lost expression on his face. I could tell he was thinking of what to say next.

“Why did you take my keys? Where are they?”

“They’re in my truck.”

I stormed out of the bedroom and towards the front door, set on getting my car keys from his truck before he decided to take off with them again. I opened the vehicle quickly turning on the cabin light and searched for my keys. That’s when I noticed the smell, that oh so familiar smell. I stopped what I was doing and stood there processing what my nostrils were telling me. It was one of those occasions where you recognize the odor before you can actually give it a name. Then it hit me, it smelled like sex. You know what I’m talking about, that after sex smell that lingers in the air. Sweat and bodily fluids all mixed up into one unmistakable smell. I peered into the backseat and sure enough what was lying on the floor? A used condom filled with semen, discarded amongst empty beer cans and never given a second thought.

I felt something explode in me, a fury not commonly known to me. That’s why his phone had been off, that’s why he had been gone for over two hours, that’s why he had to lie and say he was at his mother’s! I slammed the truck door behind me and rushed back into the bedroom where he was now lying in the bed.

“You asshole! You forgot to throw out the condom!”

He shot up from the bed with an expression of both worry and guilt on his face. He knew what I was talking about.

“Who was it?!” I spat at him.

“Babe, let me explain.”

“What could you possibly say that would explain this? You know what you did, I caught you.”

He remained silent for a moment, contemplating whether to proceed or not. His silence seemed to go on for what felt like an eternity. I needed answers and I needed them now.

“My brother borrowed my truck for awhile babe. That’s probably where…”

“That’s enough, don’t you dare lie to me again.” I interjected. “Nothing you can say is going to get you out of this. Who was it?”

“Fine, if you’re so set on knowing the truth, yes I fucked around tonight. There, you happy?”

It was my turn to be silent. I couldn’t quite grasp what I had just heard. A pain blossomed in my chest, a broken heart its cause, pieces falling apart like dried petals from a deceased flower.  True, I had thought maybe that was what he had been up to, but something in me was praying I was wrong. And now he just blurted it out with no feeling what so ever, as if he was simply giving me the time or answering some other mundane question.

“Just like that?” I stated.

“Just like that. What can I say, the dick is good.”

I knew what he was doing, placing salt into the wound. But I couldn’t help myself, it hurt more than I expected it to, hearing those words escape his lips, his cheating, lying lips. Just then I couldn’t bare to see him, I wanted to be as far away from him as humanly possible.

“If it’s so fucken good, why don’t you go back with him? See if he puts up with half the shit I do.” I yelled at him as I turned and made my way for the door.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“I’m leaving! I don’t have to put up with this anymore. I’ve been wanting to leave for some time now, thank you for finally giving me an excuse!”

He shot out from the room shoving me aside and stood between me and the front door, “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Get out of my way.”

“You wanted to talk so let’s talk.”

“I have nothing else to say to you.”

I tried pushing him aside but he stood his ground. I was practically foaming at the mouth by this point and I pushed him hard with hopes of removing him from the way yet again. I wasn’t expecting what happened next as he swung at me, his fist making contact with my face. I was stunned for a second, little stars obstructing my view, but when I was able to focus again I saw him rushing at me. Before I had time to react he had pinned me against a wall with both his hands around my neck, squeezing with all his strength. I tried pulling them away to no avail and given our position I couldn’t swing at him. In desperation I clawed at his face and tried digging my fingers into his eyes like I had seen in a movie once.

He loosened his grip and I took advantage, switching my weight over onto my left leg and kneeing him in the groin with my right. He fell back, grabbing his groin. I remember seeing red, I’m not one to look for fights but when you set me off, all hell breaks loose. I jumped on him, making sure to pin his arms underneath me and started swinging at his face. One after another my clenched fists found their target.

He finally managed to shove me off and we both shot up off from the floor. He let another right hook lose at me which I was able to avoid by stepping back. He however was not so quick and again my right fist pounded away at his face. I’m not sure when he got a hold of the lamp from one of the side tables exactly, but he did. And he was not hesitant about flinging it at me. I felt a hot liquid pour down my face and I soon realized it was blood. The motherfucker had cut me. I ran to the other side table and grabbed the other lamp and made sure to repay the favor. Smashing it over his head, he fell back onto the floor laying in pieces of broken ceramic from the shattered lamps. I kicked him a couple of times wanting nothing more than to hurt him, to make him pay for his infidelity, for the blood I was now losing.

Wait, the blood I was now losing. I snapped out of my rage realizing I could quite possibly be seriously hurt. I ran out the front door leaving him on the living room floor and made my way to my car. Fuck, I hadn’t found my keys earlier.  A few of the neighbors were standing outside trying to figure out what was going on and I noticed some were on the phone.

“Great, they’re calling the police” I thought to myself.

I left my car behind and made a run for it on foot. I wanted to get away from there, leave it all behind. I started running down the street. I’m not sure how many blocks I had covered when I finally decided to stop under the cover of some overgrown bushes on the side of the street. Trying to catch my breath, I pulled off my shirt and started wiping away the blood from my face. So much blood. From what I gathered I had a cut or gash somewhere on my head. Great, at least it’s not on my face.

Going to the hospital was out of the question. That would be the first place the cops would go looking for me, if they went looking for me at all. I wasn’t sure how badly I had hurt him after all I did leave him lying on the floor when I left. What if that lamp to the head had killed him? What if indeed the cops were out looking for me now. I felt fear and panic begin to surge through my body as I again took off running.

I had no idea where I was going, I just knew I couldn’t be anywhere close by. I ran for what felt like forever only occasionally stopping to wipe the blood away from my eyes, oh how it stung. By now I could start feeling aches in my body from the blows we had exchanged earlier. I guess with all the adrenaline rushing through my veins at the time I hadn’t realized just how many times he had indeed managed to hit me. It was evident now with how badly I was sore in places.

I ended up at my mother’s front door, I suppose subconsciously I feel the safest with her. Luckily she still kept an extra key hidden on her front porch and I let myself in, careful not to make too much noise less I wake her up and have to explain everything to her. No, not tonight, I just wanted this night to be over with. I’ll worry about it tomorrow. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it as my mother would say.

I made my way into what used to be my room, untouched even though I hadn’t lived with my mom in some years. I sank into my bed suddenly tired beyond believe. Please take me into your arms sweet Morpheus, I wish to rest my tired mind. Everything I knew had been lost this night, never to be the same again. I wrapped myself with the blankets, trying to disappear from the world. Again, I felt liquid running down my face, only this time it was my tears escaping me. And then sweet nothing as I dosed off into a troubled sleep.

Sweetest Perfection

Matthew tossed his jacket onto the couch as he searched blindly for the light switch. The room was revived in bright light as Matthew, his boyfriend Brandon, and Brandon’s brother Paul staggered into the small living room. They were just getting home from a drunken night out in town at the expense of Paul having had a fight with his girlfriend. Matthew went into the kitchen and grabbed some cold beers from the fridge and returned to the living room where Brandon and Paul had already sat down on one of the lumpy couches.  Matthew handed out the beers as he observed just how wired the brothers really looked, pupils enlarged, teeth grinding and cotton mouth at its worst. Matthew wondered if he looked just as bad.

“You guys want another line?” Matthew asked as he pulled out a small baggy from his front pocket.

“You even need to ask bro?” Paul laughed back.

Matthew poured out a generous amount of cocaine onto a mirror he kept on the center table just for this type of occasion. He pulled out a credit card and a dollar bill from his wallet and was quick to make three thick lines of coke and rolled up the dollar bill.

“Ladies first” he giggled as he leaned over the center table and sniffed in the larger of the three lines.

His nose burned as the powder form of happiness made its way into his system. This was some good shit to say the least, the world seemed a better place in an instant as he felt the drug  jump start his entire body. Matthew watched as the brothers took turns taking their lines as he sat back and popped open his beer. The cold liquid felt like heaven against his dry mouth.

It had been like this for some time now, ever since Matthew had moved in his with his boyfriend. It was with him after all that he had picked up the expensive habit that is cocaine. Many nights were lost in that living room. Drowning in alcohol and lines of coke just like this evening.

The silence was broken as Paul’s cell phone started to ring in his pocket. He pulled it out and ignored the call.

“It’s that bitch” he stated, referring to his girlfriend. “I’m in no mood to talk with her right now.”

“You should turn off your phone, that’ll give her something to worry about” Matthew suggested.

“I think I will, make her think I’m out fucking some whore”

“Cheers to that” Matthew stated as he took another long swig of his beer.

“I think we need another line” Brandon interjected.

And so more coke was spilled onto the mirror, and more lines were snorted.

“What are you and your girl fighting about anyways” Matthew asked Paul, wiping away the white residue from his nostrils.

“What aren’t we fighting about. That bitch starts a fight over any little thing. I had to get out of the house.”

“You know we’re here whenever you need us” Brandon added as he got up to turn on the radio.

More beers were brought from the kitchen and again another set of lines were cut. Matthew wasn’t sure if it was the coke taking effect or if the room really was getting warmer. He could feel sweat trickling down his temple. “God damn, it’s hot in here!”

“Tell me about it” Paul agreed. “I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to get a bit more comfortable since I’m going to crash here anyways.” Paul proceeded to pull off his shirt revealing a tight and chiseled body. The gym was obviously doing him good. Matthew felt a tug at his groin as he looked over Paul’s god like body with its perfect pink nipples hiding amongst a bed of dark chest hair.

“I hope you don’t think it’s weird, but whenever I’m this wired, I can’t go to sleep until I jack off. You guys got any porn I can watch?” Paul continued as he started pulling off his pants remaining in just his navy blue boxers.

Matthew was glad at that moment that he had decided not to throw out his straight porn. He went into the bedroom and pulled the shoe box where he kept them out from the closet.

“This is all the straight porn your brother and I have. We have plenty of gay porn however, but I’m assuming this should be fine?”

“Yeah, this will do the trick” Paul answered as he looked over  a DVD box with women swallowing mammoth sized cocks. “Fuck, you know how long it’s been since my girl has sucked my dick?”

“Too long?” I responded.

“Exactly” he laughed. “This coke has got me horny as fuck, I'm going to put this on now, ok?”

Matthew laughed internally, so much like his brother Brandon. He also would watch hours and hours of porn whenever he was high on coke. “Yeah, that’s cool.”

It was funny how it seemed like the most normal of things, the three of them sitting in the living room, doing lines and drinking beer as a blond girl got fucked in the ass on the television set. It was evident this wasn’t the first time the brothers had watched porn together, both of them had their eyes glued to the television set as if in a daze. Paul leaned back and pushed his hand down his shorts, rubbing himself, never taking his eyes of the movie. Matthew was excited knowing there was only a thin layer of clothes between him and Paul’s cock. His mouth watered at the thought of it and his mind ran wild with thoughts of what he’d do with him if given the opportunity. He realized he was hard as his cock throbbed in his jeans, begging to be let out. But remembering his boyfriend was there made him change his mind.

Matthew got up and made his way to the bathroom, trying to push all thoughts of Paul out from his mind. What would Brandon think if he knew what was crossing his mind? It was his brother after all. Just then there was a knock on the bathroom door and Brandon let himself into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

“What are you doing in here babe? He inquired.

“Came to take a leak babe. What’s up?”

“I normally wouldn’t even give this a second thought, but Paul was just asking me if I would consider letting you suck him off.”

“What?” Matthew stammered.

“Yeah, he was telling me when you got up to come to the restroom. Says his girl doesn’t give him head and that you look like the type that would give a hell of a blow job.”

“What are you trying to say Brandon?”

“Well, I think it’d be pretty hot watching you and my brother. Besides, don’t think I haven’t seen you drooling over him all night.”

“That’s not true, I haven’t even…”

“It’s alright, I want you to. If you really love me like you say you do, you’ll do this for me this one time.”

Matthew stood there, shocked at what Brandon was asking of him. True, he had been thinking about it himself. But never in a million years did he think it would actually happen. Paul was straight, and his brother, Matthew’s boyfriend, was here!

The two exited the restroom and made their way back into the living room where Paul already had his cock out, viciously tugging on it. Brandon led Matthew over besides Paul and before Matthew had  had a chance to process the entirety of what was happening he found himself on his knees, swallowing Paul’s massive meat. He could taste his salty pre cum as he took in Paul’s musky aroma. Paul grabbed Matthew’s head with both his hands and forced him down shoving every inch of his manhood down Matthew’s throat.

“You like that cock don’t you bitch?” Paul groaned.

Matthew coughed and sputtered and choked as he swallowed him. He was greedy in his desire to contain him and managed to maintain composure enough to catch and drain every drop from him.

Brandon had taken a seat in the opposite coach where he had a perfect view of Matthew and his brother. The bulge in his jeans gave away his excitement. He undid his jeans and let out his throbbing meat, and gently started pulling on it. The head was wet with pre cum and shone in the dark with the light emitted from the television.

“Fuck his tight little ass Paul” he stated as he switched hands now tugging harder than before.

“You want me to fuck you? You want me to fuck you like my brother fucks you bitch?” Paul groaned at Matthew.

Paul pulled himself out of Matthew’s mouth and threw him onto the couch. He was quick to pull Matthew’s pants down exposing his hungry little ass. He pushed his shoulders down and with his other hand lifted Matthew by the waist. He spit into Matthew’s puckered hole and started to shove his index finger roughly into him. Matthew let out a moan, he was beyond pleasure, excited that his boyfriend was watching him do these things with his brother. Matthew felt pressure as Paul started to push the head of his cock against his hungry hole. He started grinding back into Paul, eager to have him inside him.

“No wonder why my brother’s with you, you’re a horny little bitch! You want me to fuck you? Tell me you want this cock in you!”

Matthew started to reply, “Yes Paul,  I want you to…”

He was cut off as Paul shoved his entirety into him, in one swift thrust. Matthew moaned in pain as he felt his insides stretched by Paul’s massive member. Paul put his hand over Matthew’s mouth muffling his cries of ecstasy and with his free hand grabbed him by the shoulder pulling him into himself, each time his cock digging deeper into Matthew. Matthew was now screaming in pleasure, Paul was a beast when it came to sex. He loved the feeling of being used for the sole purpose of getting off. He loved being fucked opposed to being made love to. And that was exactly what this was, he was being fucked like a common whore and loving every second of it.

The sound of flesh hitting flesh filled the room as Paul continued in his frenzied thrusts giving the actors in the adult film a run for their money. Matthew had never felt so filled not even with Brandon. His own member was oozing pre cum as he started to pleasure himself, matching the rhythm of the man pounding away behind him. He could feel it wouldn’t be long before he shot his load with the way that Paul was hitting all the right spots at all the right times.

Brandon was standing beside his brother now, naked, watching everything with a bird’s eye view. Watching his brother’s cock slide in and out of his lover’s hole. Watching as Matthew writhed in pain and pleasure as his brother had his way with him.

“I’m about to come!” Brandon moaned.

Matthew felt Paul pull out of him, leaving a gaping hole wanting more. He heard Brandon and Paul’s moans just before he felt his back splattered in hot liquid. The brothers had orgasmed at the same time, emptying their loads onto Matthews back. It was all Matthew could take, he rose onto his knees tightening his grip on his meat and started to tug like a mad man. Soon waves of hot cum shot out of him soiling the couch he had just been fucked on.

The three of them sank into the couch, exhausted by the acts of passion that had just unfolded moments ago. Matthew sat in between both brothers, catching his breath, still disbelieving what had just happened. But indeed it had, his boyfriend’s brother had been his. He stood up and again made his way to the center table where he cut three more lines.

“Just a little pick-me-up and then it’s time for Round two” he stated while raising the rolled dollar bill to his nostril.

The Smell of Vomit and Mint

I walked back and forth down the narrow hallway, jotting down the location of the patients under my care. It was part of my new job here at the Psychiatric Rehab Center I had recently landed a job at. The hallway was dark due to the fact that maintenance had not been by to fix the light I had submitted a report about since the week before and stank of urine since one of the elderly patients thought it funny to wet herself just to have the nurses come by and change her. The tan walls were lined with the many wooden doors that led into the patients rooms and the tiled floor was till slippery since it had been waxed the night before. It was hard to hear my own thoughts with the sound of laughter emitting from one of the rooms with a woman who laughed at her own jokes in it. It was my second week on the floor on my own and I was still getting the hang of things. But I have to admit this was a nice change from calling people at home in the middle of dinner trying to sell them something they really didn’t need. Quite frankly I had the tendency to surround myself with people who were a little “off” and this wasn’t too much of a difference. As a matter of fact, most of the patients voiced how much they loved me and how nice I was compared to the other workers. That didn’t come as a surprise to me, after all I noticed the way they looked down on them and cracked jokes at the patients expense when they were training me. Not me, I empathized with them. How could I not? I know I’ve been on the brink of insanity when life has become unbearable; the hardest thing in this world is just to live in it after all. I found myself enjoying conversations with these people on many occasions. I’ve always loved listening to stories about people’s personal journeys. These stories were just a bit more heartbreaking, littered with drug abuse, loss, and depression.

I made my way over to the day room once I finished with my notes and sat next to Georgina on the couch. Georgina was a tall woman with cropped blonde hair who was originally from Louisiana. She often told me she would cook me a good old fashion Cajun meal once she was discharged. The thing about Georgina was she was a difficult woman, outspoken and defiant. Many workers had warned me about her and told me to keep my guard up around her. But what would you know, she and I hit it off the moment we met. She often referred to me as Honey and Sugar, especially whenever she wanted me to take her out for another smoke break. She was always the sweetest person whenever it came to me. She would say the thing she loved about me the most was that I always had time to listen to her.  She was being treated for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. You see Georgina had lost her husband and son in a terrible car accident. Their car had been rammed off the road and into a nearby river where her family drowned, she was the one driving and was the cause of the accident. She was ridden with guilt as she so often shared in group and wished only to join her family in death. But today seemed to be a good day for her, evident in the way she turned and smiled at me.

“Morning baby is it almost time for a smoke break” she asked leaning over to hug me.

“Almost Ms. Georgina just got a few more things I need to catch up with first.”

“Alright then honey. You let me know when you’re ready, just don’t make me wait too long you got it?”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll be sure to make it quick.”

I got up from the seat and made my way over to Elizabeth’s room. She had been in the shower for the last forty-five minutes or so which wasn’t something out of the ordinary. Lizzy, as I so often called her, was bulimic and given that was a skeleton of a girl, nothing but skin and bones. She was almost always too drugged up to socialize and usually sat in her room half asleep, eyes all but closed and mind wandering off into different realities. Whenever she did get up, it was always in lethargic, sloth like motions, taking an eternity just to walk to the opposite end of the room. Watching her serve herself coffee was a spectacle all on its own. She lacked the strength necessary to lift her cup or to tear open the packets of creamer and Splenda but would always refuse my assistance. It was better off that way, having her do things for herself; it was what we were to encourage them to do anyway.

I knocked on the bathroom door as I had been doing on my rounds since she had jumped into the shower. “Hey Lizzy is everything ok in there?” No answer.  I knocked again and repeated my question, only louder this time, “Everything ok in there Lizzy?” Again no answer.

I noticed a group of the other residents had formed at the door, all peering in trying to figure out why Elizabeth wasn’t answering me. I recalled I had a set of keys to the bathroom door and decided I should open it. Georgina was already standing next to me by this point having heard me call out to Elizabeth.

“Good thing you came Georgina, I’m going to open the door but given that I’m a male staff member I really shouldn’t be going in there. Would you mind going in with me?”
“You don’t need to ask, open the god damn door and make sure Elizabeth is fine!”

I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I can’t say I was prepared for what I saw, I really wasn’t expecting to have an incident so early on in my time here. There in the shower was Elizabeth, laying on the shower floor unconscious with the shower curtain bundled up beside her. She had obviously attempted to grab onto it and failed. Her tiny naked body was curled up in an awkward position causing her ribs to stick out even more than normal as the water continued to cascade down on her. I felt the adrenaline course through my veins as I leapt beside her checking for any wounds that may have been caused with the fall, the sour smell of vomit enveloped me. She had obviously been purging and must have fainted in the middle of the act. I firmly shook Elizabeth calling out to her with no success. I laid her back down and shut off the water, the last thing I wanted was for her to drown on my watch. I grabbed for my walkie-talkie and called out for assistance. Within seconds other members of the staff arrived. I stepped back and rallied up the on looking patients, taking them back into the day room.

I heard a commotion coming from Elizabeth’s room so I rushed over. Another staff member had Georgina in his arms, holding her back as she fought and attempted to claw her way back to Elizabeth’s side.

“Have a nurse get an injection ready, this bitch won’t listen” he yelled at me.

“Georgina! Stop that! If you want us to help her, you need to give us some room” I yelled out. “There’s no sense in making a scene, you’re just going to get medicated and that’s going to be less people helping Lizzy!”

Georgina turned towards me and I noticed her body relax. “You can let her go now, I’ll take care of her.” I took Georgina by the hand and walked her to her room.

“What’s wrong with her” she muttered through tears.

“Everything’s going to be ok Georgina. Just calm down.”

I didn’t believe what I was saying, but I had to try to calm her less they put her down with an injection.

I returned my gaze back to the other room, Lizzy was lying on the floor surrounded by the staff that had begun to perform CPR on her. Not a good sign. Moments later an ambulance had arrived to take Lizzy to the emergency room. It was sad seeing her fragile body be wheeled out of her room, oxygen masked covering her face.

It all ended just as quickly as it had started as the remaining patients and I were left in the unit in silence. Everybody was in a state of shock, me most of all. I wished somebody would come and explain it all to me, I hated not knowing what was happening. Would she be ok? Would she be coming back? Only time would tell.

“Sugar, I need a fucking cigarette” Georgina stated as only Georgina could.

“You and me both baby” I muttered back.

I went to the cabinet where they kept the patients cigarettes locked up and proceeded to hand them out, one cigarette per patient.

“Alright, everybody line up.”

We exited the unit in a single file and went to smoke our anxieties away.

Pieces of April

My phone startled me awake, tearing me away from a perfect world that could only exist in dreams. I jumped out of bed, stumbling through darkness and attempted to find my cell phone amongst the scattered contents of my pockets that I dumped onto the dresser the night before. I realized it was my mother calling and my body went numb. It’s THE phone call, I thought to myself.  That moment you have been dreading is here, your grandmother is dying.

I managed to answer the phone despite of all the thoughts ricocheting in my skull and sure enough my mother manages to tell me through tears that my grandmother is dying and I should go over immediately if I wished to say my goodbyes. I stood there frozen in disbelief.  This couldn’t be happening, I must still be asleep and all of this is just another terrible nightmare plaguing my dreams. I felt that awful void that only news like this could bring, that empty feeling as you realize things will never again be the same. She’s dying… and there wasn’t anything I could do, my prayers had all been in vain.

I couldn’t think straight as I scrambled around the room grabbing my shoes and a jacket, my vision blurred by my tears.  Where the fuck did I leave my keys? I have to get to her side, I have to be there with her, I will never forgive myself if I don’t make it on time. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!  I finally found them in a pair of jeans lying crumpled in a corner of the room and I shot out of the house and dove into my car. I pulled out of the drive way and onto the street not checking for traffic. I was relieved the streets were empty with the exception of one or two vehicles and luckily it was the same case at the international bridge. I crossed back into the states in a matter of minutes.

I don’t recall the drive from the bridge to my grandmother’s home. I was lost in thought and it was one of those instances when the car could have quite possibly driven itself. I ran into the house and found my grandmother lying in bed with my mother, sister, and a couple of my aunts sitting beside her.  I walked over to the edge of the bed and took my grandmother’s hand in my own, soft like always. I recalled the many times these loving hands had caressed me as a child, cured my cuts and scrapes, and prepared me hot meals. This couldn’t be my grandmother. My grandmother was a woman of great strength, lively, always smiling and brightening up any room with her presence. Where was the woman I had known all my life? This was but a whisper of that glorious woman. She looked so fragile lying there with her eyes closed, almost unrecognizable with the oxygen mask covering her face.

“Grandma, it’s Mason. I’m here with you.” She took a deep breath acknowledging I was there next to her. I kissed her on the forehead and stood there, dazed, nothing but silence with the exception of the lethargic hissing as oxygen from multiple tanks was pumped for my grandmother.

I made my way over to my mother and took her in a tight embrace. I half expected her to be a wreck, but the blank look on her face told me she was still in shock. I couldn’t blame her, after all I felt the same. It was all surreal, I half expected to see my grandmother get out of bed and take out paper and tobacco from her drawer and roll herself a cigarette. But no such thing was happening, no miracle was to take place on that forlorn night.

I tried to hold back my tears for my mother’s sake. I had to be strong in anticipation of that moment when I knew she wouldn’t be able to do it alone. For that moment when her heart would be broken. For that moment when she would become an orphan child. To think as I was growing up my mother had to be the one to be strong for all of us, fighting our battles, righting our wrongs, and now the tables have turned. Now it is I who has to be her rock, it is I that will need to wipe her tears and comfort her.

“It’s for the best” my aunt Olga stated with a calmness from her side of the bed. “She will finally get to rest.”

I knew what she said was true, but I couldn’t help but want to say otherwise. Forgive me God for being greedy, but I am not ready for you to take her back. I still need her. There is so much more I can learn from her, so much more laughter to be shared with her, so much more… please!

At that moment my grandmother stirred, opening her eyes, beautiful sky blue eyes. She gazed at each one of us, and then took one deep final breath before settling back into stillness. It had happened, my grandmother was no longer with us. My aunt shot up from her seat to check her, I surveyed her face for any sign of hope, but her tearful  eyes said it all. It came at that moment, everything I had been holding back, rushing out at once like water bursting through a damn. The hurt was so immense I could literally feel pain in my body, shooting into every nerve of my being. It was a horrible moment as I was drowned in the cries of pain emitting from those around me. I swallowed my feelings and took my mother and sister into my arms, it took everything I had to fight back my emotions. I had to, for them. My grandmother layed there, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling. Void of all life, an empty shell left behind.

My aunt leaned over her and closed her eyes and kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room to make the many calls to relatives to advise them of the despondent news. I couldn’t  take another minute of it, I had to step outside. I went onto the front porch and let myself sink onto the floor. I lit a cigarette and found myself wondering if she was still amongst us in spirit. Was she here watching those she left behind?

Sitting there on the floor staring at nothing in particular, I exhaled a cloud of smoke, and whispered out to the shadows “I love you grandma Dudsy, may you rest in peace.”

Midight Demons

Midnight. Why is it these thoughts always come to plague me at midnight? For the last hour or so  I’ve been staring at the ceiling fan spinning like a ballerina on crack, threatening to break off from whatever it is that holds it in place. Very much like my life at this moment, barely holding on by the last screws, waiting for another disappointment to come along and finish off with it. What once was a room I looked forward to now seems empty and lugubrious.  Suddenly I can see every defect on the walls, every crack, every stain, and every imperfection. The grey walls seem to echo the sad thoughts that take up residence within my skull, and even the reflections in the mirror seem to stare back at me in disapproval. I find myself at another dead end. It was a brewing for some time now, but it finally boiled over. I can’t stand it anymore.

Unemployment has a way of kicking your ass like that, ask anybody. I’ve been without a job for about two months now and I am finally feeling the strain.  I’ve been submitting applications left and right to no avail. The sad thing is I attended school last year for training in the Medical field and that has proven to be a tree that bears no fruit. Money down the drain.   What I was slowly molding into a comfortable existence is now falling apart quicker than I care to admit. My cell phone service has been interrupted, I don’t drive to conserve the little gas I have left in the car, and I’ve had to resolve to ask for money to buy my cigarettes. That last one is how I truly know I’m in a shit hole, not being able to support my own vices. Pathetic. But life goes on as miserable as it may be.

You would think I would have it easier given I have a man to fall back on. Don’t get me wrong, he helps in any way he can, and I’m sure if it weren’t for him I would truly be lost. But the thing is he doesn’t understand my forlorn state of mind. He feels I’m in my current situation due to a lack of trying, and that’s what hurts me the most. Sometimes I feel as if I have nobody to turn to and that is why in turn I am reaching out to you, any reader who has the misfortune to come across my blog.

So throw me a pity party! I know whining about my problems never got me anywhere, but at this point that is all I can do. Get it off my chest in the hopes that tomorrow will be different. That tomorrow will be the day I get a call for a job. That tomorrow I won’t have to smoke charity cigarettes. Wishful thinking. But for now I’ll just listen to the metallic groans of the wobbly ceiling fan I mentioned before, the never ending barking of the mutts on the street, and the Rancheras blasting from the house next door. The neighbors have had one too many tonight… again. Here’s hoping that I will eventually dose off and get some sleep which is the only time my mind is at ease.