Friday, February 22, 2013

Pieces of April


My phone startled me awake, tearing me away from a perfect world that could only exist in dreams. I jumped out of bed, stumbling through darkness and attempted to find my cell phone amongst the scattered contents of my pockets that I dumped onto the dresser the night before. I realized it was my mother calling and my body went numb. It’s THE phone call, I thought to myself.  That moment you have been dreading is here, your grandmother is dying.

I managed to answer the phone despite of all the thoughts ricocheting in my skull and sure enough my mother manages to tell me through tears that my grandmother is dying and I should go over immediately if I wished to say my goodbyes. I stood there frozen in disbelief.  This couldn’t be happening, I must still be asleep and all of this is just another terrible nightmare plaguing my dreams. I felt that awful void that only news like this could bring, that empty feeling as you realize things will never again be the same. She’s dying… and there wasn’t anything I could do, my prayers had all been in vain.

I couldn’t think straight as I scrambled around the room grabbing my shoes and a jacket, my vision blurred by my tears.  Where the fuck did I leave my keys? I have to get to her side, I have to be there with her, I will never forgive myself if I don’t make it on time. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!  I finally found them in a pair of jeans lying crumpled in a corner of the room and I shot out of the house and dove into my car. I pulled out of the drive way and onto the street not checking for traffic. I was relieved the streets were empty with the exception of one or two vehicles and luckily it was the same case at the international bridge. I crossed back into the states in a matter of minutes.

I don’t recall the drive from the bridge to my grandmother’s home. I was lost in thought and it was one of those instances when the car could have quite possibly driven itself. I ran into the house and found my grandmother lying in bed with my mother, sister, and a couple of my aunts sitting beside her.  I walked over to the edge of the bed and took my grandmother’s hand in my own, soft like always. I recalled the many times these loving hands had caressed me as a child, cured my cuts and scrapes, and prepared me hot meals. This couldn’t be my grandmother. My grandmother was a woman of great strength, lively, always smiling and brightening up any room with her presence. Where was the woman I had known all my life? This was but a whisper of that glorious woman. She looked so fragile lying there with her eyes closed, almost unrecognizable with the oxygen mask covering her face.

“Grandma, it’s Mason. I’m here with you.” She took a deep breath acknowledging I was there next to her. I kissed her on the forehead and stood there, dazed, nothing but silence with the exception of the lethargic hissing as oxygen from multiple tanks was pumped for my grandmother.

I made my way over to my mother and took her in a tight embrace. I half expected her to be a wreck, but the blank look on her face told me she was still in shock. I couldn’t blame her, after all I felt the same. It was all surreal, I half expected to see my grandmother get out of bed and take out paper and tobacco from her drawer and roll herself a cigarette. But no such thing was happening, no miracle was to take place on that forlorn night.

I tried to hold back my tears for my mother’s sake. I had to be strong in anticipation of that moment when I knew she wouldn’t be able to do it alone. For that moment when her heart would be broken. For that moment when she would become an orphan child. To think as I was growing up my mother had to be the one to be strong for all of us, fighting our battles, righting our wrongs, and now the tables have turned. Now it is I who has to be her rock, it is I that will need to wipe her tears and comfort her.

“It’s for the best” my aunt Olga stated with a calmness from her side of the bed. “She will finally get to rest.”

I knew what she said was true, but I couldn’t help but want to say otherwise. Forgive me God for being greedy, but I am not ready for you to take her back. I still need her. There is so much more I can learn from her, so much more laughter to be shared with her, so much more… please!

At that moment my grandmother stirred, opening her eyes, beautiful sky blue eyes. She gazed at each one of us, and then took one deep final breath before settling back into stillness. It had happened, my grandmother was no longer with us. My aunt shot up from her seat to check her, I surveyed her face for any sign of hope, but her tearful  eyes said it all. It came at that moment, everything I had been holding back, rushing out at once like water bursting through a damn. The hurt was so immense I could literally feel pain in my body, shooting into every nerve of my being. It was a horrible moment as I was drowned in the cries of pain emitting from those around me. I swallowed my feelings and took my mother and sister into my arms, it took everything I had to fight back my emotions. I had to, for them. My grandmother layed there, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling. Void of all life, an empty shell left behind.

My aunt leaned over her and closed her eyes and kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room to make the many calls to relatives to advise them of the despondent news. I couldn’t  take another minute of it, I had to step outside. I went onto the front porch and let myself sink onto the floor. I lit a cigarette and found myself wondering if she was still amongst us in spirit. Was she here watching those she left behind?

Sitting there on the floor staring at nothing in particular, I exhaled a cloud of smoke, and whispered out to the shadows “I love you grandma Dudsy, may you rest in peace.”