Pucca

   She came to me as a gift, ten months ago. A little fur ball with big floppy ears, and large green eyes that she used to get her way. Mocha brown, with white paws, and the tip of her tail was also white as if she had dipped it into a bucket of paint. I'm talking about my puppy, Pucca.
  Yes, I realize a lot of you might think it down right stupid to become so attached to a pet. But the truth of the matter is I'm a sentimental fool that way. You see, sadly, Pucca passed away a few weeks ago.
   Pucca caught Distemper. How, I'm not sure, she had all her vaccinations and I went out of my way to care for her. Damn, she received all my attention, almost as if she was my child. But in the end it didn't matter.
   I first found out a week prior to her passing. She had a fever which I stupidly tried to relief with Canine Aspirin. Later that night, Pucca lost the use of her hind legs. It killed me to see her try to walk and fail miserably. Falling on her side and kicking wildly, obviously not knowing what was wrong. I rushed her to her Veterinarian who diagnosed her and began with what would become a daily routine of a variety of injections.
   Pucca regained the use of her legs the following night along with her appetite. I trully thought she was going to make it even though everything I read on the internet told me otherwise. I took her day after day for more injections and medication to be taken orally. I  figured her will to live and my dedication to her would be enough to overcome this virus she had contracted. I was wrong.
   On the evening of October 19, Pucca took a turn for the worse. She began having convulsions and would cry out in pain. I contacted her Veterinarian on his cell and requested an emergency appointment. I was still convinced there was a chance for her. Once her veterinarian examined her, he concluded her chances of survival were slim. But still he and I wanted to give her a fighting chance, since he knew of dogs who had miraculously defeated the symptoms. He gave her yet more injections, to ease the pain, and sent me home to watch over her. He instructed me to bring her in the following morning if she made it through the night.
   I stayed by Pucca in her final moments. I atleast knew she was no longer in pain. All I could do was make sure she was comfortable. She fought for a few more hours, but I noticed a decline in her respiratory pattern. They became slower and more shallow than normal. I knew she didn't have much longer. At exactly 2:14 in the morning, as I held her in my arms, her breathing seized completely. My Pucca was no longer with me.
   I didn't sleep much that night, I felt guilty. Thinking maybe if I had done one thing different, maybe just maybe, she would still be alive.As soon as the sun was out, I went out into the yard to start digging her grave. The good thing is I was alone. No one there to witness the mess of tears I had become. Once I finished, I went back to Pucca, who lay lifeless and cold to the touch. I took her and sat next to the hole I had dug up, with her in my lap. I caressed her, and said my goodbyes, my vision blurred by my tears.
   I wrapped her in her favorite blanket so she wouldn't be cold, and gathered her toys to bury with her so she'd have something to play with. I layed her in her grave but kept taking her out since I kept swearing I would see her breathing or even hear her moan. Each time I would check, and each time was discouraged to find out I was imaging these things.
   I finally put her down into the dark hole, and sprinkled a handfull of dirt over her. I wiped my tears of my face and began shoveling the rest of the dirt into the hole.
   Still today, I find myself expecting to see her running around the house, jumping onto everything as she always did. When at stores, I steer clear of the pet section, and I'm still not accustomed to the absence of my little friend riding shot gun on my drives around town.
She was a great companion and friend and she will be missed. Rest in peace, Pucca.

Letter From the Lawyer

   I placed my cup of coffee down on the table in order to rip open the letter I just recieved in the mail. It was from the offices of the lawyer I hired over a year ago to fix some citations I got back then. It's never a good thing when you recieve a letter from a lawyer, an omen of bad things to come. I pulled out the pages from the envelope, yes pages, about twelve to be exact, quickly scanning through them to see what the issue was. Just as I had thought, nothing good. Apparently, they wanted to charge me crap loads of money for the citations which my lawyer had said were taken care of.
   You see, I bought my vehicle from an aquaintance I made back when I worked at Starbucks. How could I not? A 96 Ford Mustang in great  condition for only $1,000 AND in payments! It was too good to pass on. The only catch was that the car was registered in New Mexico, being that I have a Texas driver's licence, I would have to have it registered in Texas eventually. But I figured I could wait until this aquaintance signed the title over to me. Reasonable no? WRONG! Cut to a Wednesday afternoon, lunch time to be exact. I get pulled over for no good reason and the officer runs the vehicle's VIN through his system. Well, turns out that the car was also registered in Texas. Ofcourse, I had the New Mexico plate still on it. Big Mistake! The officer was so kind as to write me four citations. Which were for not having my front plate, not having my rear plate (since I was displaying a false plate from New Mexico as the officer stated), no Registration sticker, and no inspection sticker. All of which I didn't need if the car had indeed been registered in New Mexico as this aquaintance of mine had led me to believe.
   Anyway, not wanting to miss work to go to court to try to get all this settled, I took my citations to a lawyer. He said if I could get all of this fixed, my citations would be dismissed. So on that day I started what was a three month journey in getting my vehicle up to date. Why three months you say? Well, let's just say this aquaintance of mine decided to dissappear from the face of the Earth without ever giving me the title. So I had to go through the system to get it. Luckily I was smart enough to have made of bill of sale which she signed, as well as made sure to have reciepts for every payment I gave her. So it took three months for me to recieve the title under my name. But by then, I had already taken out the above mentioned items which I didn't have before. According to my lawyer, everything was perfect and I had no reason to worry about these citations. Atleast I got my $300 worth of representation. Or so I thought.
   Now a year later, I'm sitting here at the table with these citations brought back from the dead. I get on the phone with the offices of my lawyer and question the letter. The woman on the other end of the line asks me to go in so that she can better explain the situation to me. CLICK. End of phone call. I get up, not having finished my coffee, and grab my car keys. Oh believe me woman, I will be going in!
   Traffic was horrible on my way to the lawyer's office, god damn drivers from Juarez. I walked into the office which was like walking into the past. The establishment was actually a home, one of those older homes you find down Montana Avenue. With wooden floors, dim lighting, and staircases that led to the creaky floors above. The decor must have been included with the house for it looked just as old. But none of this interested me at the time. I was here for blood!
   I went to the front desk and layed out my paperwork infront of the receptionist. Who I have to add I'm positive is a lesbian. Afterall she showed all the stereotypicl signs that she was. Short masculine haircut, button up shirt, slacks, male dress shoes, all she needed was a tool belt. I explained to her how I had already handled this case prior with my lawyer and how he stated everything had been taken care of. Her response was that there was a new judge handling the case and that infact it was this judge who had requested all the eveidence be presented to her.
   I couldn't understand what the problem was. I mean shouldn't they still have all this on file? Couldn't they just bring up my file and foward all the neccesary items? No, that would be too easy. Turns out I needed to go with these things and personally present them to the judge. Sounded to me like I might have a warrant out for my arrest. Not doing that again. The receptionist ensured me I had no warrants, but like I would take her word for it. Afterall the lawyer had said these citations were gone and hello, here they are again! No, I wasn't taking any chances. Once I stepped out of the office, I called the warrants line and made sure for myself. No warrants, atleast not yet.
   Now I had to drive all the way to the other side of town, to the Eastside. Again, I got a case of road rage on the freeway. God damn people really don't know how to drive in El Paso. I reached my destination and practically ran in wanting to get this sorted. I spoke with yet another front desk receptionist. This one was young maybe 18, and instantly I knew I didn't like her. I explained the situation to her for what felt like the 100th time today. She entered my information into the computer pulling up my file. She starting reading off my charges and stated I needed to pay $450 inorder to have them dismissed.

   WHAT THE FUCK?

   I was shocked to say the least. I didn't have that much money on me and I wouldn't be paid for another week. I asked her for my options to which she said I had none. It was this or jail. It always is in cases like this. I brought up the subject of a payment plan which apparently I could do. The only thing was that if I chose to make payment installments, the amount would go from $450 to $975 more or less. Jesus fucken Christ!
   When I asked her why, she didn't know what to say. I got the feeling that little Miss Muffet here didn't know what the hell she was doing so I requested to speak with a supervisor. The bitch scowled at me as she went to go look for such. While she was away all I could do was think of ways to get that kind of money. I was thinking of things I could pawn, things I could sell, fuck I was even thinking who I could borrow money from.
   Quicker than I was expecting, the receptionist came back with her supervisor who was an older, and judging by her eyes, a kinder woman. Again, I explained my situation. She reviewed my information and made it known to me that these were fines for having my citations dismissed. She went into further detail but I don't intend to bore you with the facts right now. I inquired about the payment plan once again, since that seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. I also asked her why my total would go up so high. When I gave her the amount the receptionist quoted me her eyes widened. Turns out they should't be so much. She explained that if I could show proof that I had fixed the violations on my vehicle, the amount would drop considerably.
   I went on to show her proof that everything was now in order. I presented her with the inspection report, that was cleared. I showed her the registration paperwork, that was cleared. I then took out photos of my front and rear plates. She said she couldn't accept those. An officer would have to see the vehicle himself to proof the plates were on there. Unfortunatly, no officer was in the office at the time. Just my luck.
   I would have to come back in a week, since the building would be closed the entire next week due to fumigation. She printed out my total for the other citations, $175. She did mention that the total for my plates would likely be around $128 and that I could set all of it up for a payment plan.
   That's right boys and girls, from $975 I now only have to pay $303.... in payments. Much better! That's for sure. I thanked the supervisor and made sure to make a reminder on my phone to go back in a week. That's all I need, to forget and have a warrant for my arrest issued.
   So far things are looking good for me. Well, atleast as good as having to pay fines can be. I'll have to come back in a week to get everything finalized. But a week isn't too long anyway I guess. I went back to my car and thought to myself- If I ever run into that bitch that sold me my car, I'm stomping her god damn face in with my foot!

Final Exam For Clinicals

   I'm not sure why I was so nervous about my finals for Clinicals. Maybe I was just worried about having to retake the class. I mean how many times can I learn how to take vitals and the proper technique for injections before I'm bored out of my mind? As it is this stuff plagues me in my sleep. But, the point was I was nervous. We were to answer one hundred sixty two questions on the written portion of the exam. Followed on the next day by the practicals, a hands on exam. The written portion consisted of questions about Pediatrics, ECG's, and Intradermal, Intramuscular, and Subcutaneous injections just to name a few topics. Ofcourse, it didn't help that I waited hours before the exam to begin studying. That is so like me, waiting until the last minute to do things. But my mentalitly was this way the information would be fresh in my mind. I must have been onto something, afterall, I had been getting nothing but A's on all my exams. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but damn I'm good!
   Seven o'clock came around sooner than expected, that's when my class begins. I made my way into class still going over the material in my head. The students were all sitting at the tables in their prefered groups, just like in highschool. Jocks with jocks, the pretty girls at the vain table, there was even a table for the nerds, which is where I sat. What? I like to learn! The instructor started with the usual routine of telling everybody to put away their belongings, especially our cell phones. Cheating was not permitted and would lead to an automatic fail. And he reminded us that if we don't pass this exam, we don't pass the class and would have to retake it, at cost. Go figure.
   The exam was handed out, which I quickly began to work at like a starving vulture picking at the remains of a rotting carcass. One by one I answered the questions, astonished at the ease at which the answers came to me. Until finally I bubbled in the final answer on the scantron. Done. I got up from my seat surveying the students still racking their brains for the anwers they just couldn't remember. I realized that as usual, I was the first to complete my exam. The instructor adviced me that he would not be grading the exam until everybody had finished. Sounded like a good time to take a ciggerette break.
   I walked out onto the sitting area outside the building which consisted of a few metal tables and benches that looked like they needed a new coat of paint. I sat at the nearest and took out a ciggerete. I could feel the tension leave my body with each inhale I took from it. A few minutes later some of the other students began to wander out with worried expressions on their face. They started asking eachother how they thought they did or what they got a on a particular question. Which ofcourse no one had the same answer.
   Finally the instructor emerged and asked everybody back into class. The exams had been graded. Again I felt that pull at my stomach meaning my nerves were getting the best of me. Had I passed the exam? I found myself praying that I had. The instructor called the students in one by one into his dark, little office to relay their test scores. Everytime a student would come back out I would scan their face for any clue on how well or poorly they did. Until finally, I heard my name uttered from that dreaded room. I stood up and made my way over, not forgetting to cross my fingers for luck. Please let it be good news! I found the instructor sitting at his desk with my exam in his hand.
  
   "How do you think you did, Miguel?" my instructor inquired with a smug grin on his face.
  
   "Whatever, Tony. Just give me my grade, I'm nervous enough as it is!" I responded.
  
   He laid out my scantron on his desk implying I could see my grade. I just about pounced at it, scanning it for my grade. 94%. Relief. I had passed with an A!
  
   "Why were you so nervous? You know you got this shit. Estas Chingona!" joked my instructor Tony. He had made it a habit of reffering to me as a female since the only other gay guy in class, Abe, insisted on being called Ma'am on account that he dressed as a woman on the weekends.
  
   "I don't know what I'm more relieved about Tony. The fact that I passed, or the fact that I won't have to give you head for extra credit anymore!"
  
   "Pinche Miguel!" was all he managed to say, thrown off balance from my comment. "Maybe next time I'll make your test harder."
  
   "I like it when things get harder." I joked, obviously relieved now that I knew I had passed.
  
   I made my way back into the classroom giving a thumbs up to my friends at the table to let them know I had passed. I couldn't help but smile. I had finished Clinicals, finally. I grabbed my backpack and made my way out of the classroom and towards my car. I quickly updated my status on the social networks I spend hours on to let my other friends know the good news.
   I lit another cigerette as I buckled my seatbelt on. This definately deserves a beer. I decide to stop at the Circle K on the corner for a Tecate tallboy before heading home.

Mother's Problem

   The lights were all off and the curtains were all drawn. It would seem daylight was no friend here. I found myself smothered by the heat, feeling it wrap around me like a child's blanket. Would it kill this woman to open a window from time to time?
   The room was enveloped in silence with the exception of the people that walked by outside. I began my revision of the household, starting with the fridge. A half empty gallon of expired milk, a carton of eggs, tubaware with god knows what leftovers, and of course about six quarts of Bush, the nectar of the poor. I figured as much.
   I knocked on the bedroom door. No answer. I knocked a second time out of courtesy and let myself in. The stench of beer assaulted my nostrils immediately. The small television was set on the news but with no audio. This room too was dim as all the curtains were drawn here as well.
  I looked towards the bed to see my mother laying there, asleep. Wrapped in the tangled blankets. The bed surrounded with dozens of empty quarts, wrapping around like an army of toy soldiers. Here we go again with another of mother's drinking binges.

  "Mom, I'm here. How you feeling, everything ok?" I asked awakening my mom from her drunken sleep.

  "Mijo, when did you get here? I didn't hear the door." She never does whenever she's in this state.

  "I just came by to see if you needed anything mom. You eat yet? Want me to make you something to eat?"

  "That's ok baby boy, I'm not hungry. But do you think you can go to the store and buy me another beer? I need it for the cruda."

   "Another beer mom? You still have some in the fridge."

   "Yea, but I'm gonna need a couple for tonight. You know how I get at night with the shakes."

   I pretended not to hear this last request as I continued to look around the room. Newspapers thrown all over the place. Yup, that's my mom, drunk off her ass but she still tries to keep up with current events.

  "I'm gonna clean up a bit mom, ok?" I told my mom who must have still been waiting for an answer in regards to the beer judging by the expression she gave me.

  I began the routine of cleaning up the mess. Grabbing a black trash bag from the kitchen, where I noted the sink filled with dirty dishes. I wondered how so many dishes can get used when I know for a fact my mother doesn't eat when she's drinking. I started walking around the house picking up the dozens of empty beer cans and quarts. How much money could I get if I were to sell all these cans?
  I heard my mother make her way into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Followed by splattering sounds which meant my mother was throwing whatever she had left in her stomach into the toilet bowl. Disgusting. Upon coming out of the restroom, my mom made her way into the living room where I was opening up the windows to let some fresh air into the place. I turned to her and got a whiff of toothpaste. Well, at least she had the decency to brush her teeth after hurdling her guts in the bathroom.

   "How long you been drinking Ma?" I asked.

   "About a week son" she replied. Great, that meant at least two weeks, if not more.

   "I've been calling you but you never answer. You had me worried."

   "My phone got cut off again, motherfuckers!"

   "What do you mean? I gave you money to pay your phone last week mom." Damn, she must have spent it all on beer, again.

   "I'm sleepy son. Imma go into my room and take a nap, ok? I love you." she stuttered.

   "Yea mom, I love you too."

   She staggered off into her room while I continued tidying up the place. This was all too routine by now. It's been this way as long as I can remember. Back from when I was a little boy. I've come to live with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. Which probably wouldn't be as bad if it weren't for the fact that she's also a single parent. That's right, I was raised by a drunk. It's no wonder why I love to drink as well. Even though I always promised I would never touch that wretched liquid that caused my family so much heartache.
  Don't get me wrong. My mother can be a great mother, that is when she's sober. And she goes long times without drinking a thing. And in moments like those, I realize why I say my mom is my best friend. But when she does slip, boy does she hit rock bottom. I remember falling asleep in class because I had stayed up all night tending my mother who swore she was dying due to the withdrawals. Nights I had to stay up and hide all the knives because mother decided life was just too much at the time and wanted out. Nights where I tended to my mother just so she wouldn't go wake my baby sister to do it in my place. No not her. Leave her out of this. And countless days like today, where I come over to clean and try to get my mom to eat something, anything.
  Growing up without a father has made me love my mom that much more. Because regardless of her illness, I feel she's done the best she can. She's fed us, clothed us, kept a roof over our head, and yes, put us through some fucked up shit also. But she is my mom, the only one I have. And that's why I can't do what my older brother and my younger sister have done. Which is out grow her and leave her behind. No I just can't. Yes, I would love to know more of the world. Leave this dust bowl of a city behind. But, something in me tells me that will never happen. Not as long as mother needs me by her side.
  And so I continue cleaning. Checking off items on my mental list. Sweep. Check. Mop. Check. Dishes. Check. Shoot myself. No check. Upon finishing my mother's chores, I write her a little note to leave on her dresser (Along with $30).

Mom, came by to see how you were. Cleaned up

a little (Especially the fridge) I threw out some of

the older newspaper, hope you don't mind. Here's $30

So you can get yourself whatever you need. I'll give

you a call later, answer this time please. I love you

lots!!! Call me if you need anything. The # is on the fridge.

Miguel Perez

   I kiss my mother on her cheek before leaving. Getting one last look at her. Please God, watch over my mother. Please don't let tonight be the night she chokes on her own vomit. Keep her safe and alive for another day. Because who knows, maybe tomorrow is the day she might decide to quit drinking. Maybe tomorrow is the day my mother will come back to me. Oh, who am I kidding? Maybe tomorrow will never come. Maybe tomorrow will just be another day in this endless cycle of watching my mom kill herself.

Sweet Escape

   Sitting in a corner of my room with nothing but my thoughts. Those cruel, heartless thoughts that plague me on nights like this. Alone, like always. God knows where he is tonight. Probably getting his dick sucked by some little boy he picked up at the adult store. After all, those are his favorite. Young, naive boys who say they're older than they really are, just now experiencing the wonders of the flesh. You can almost always convince those to do whatever it is you want that night. At least he did.
   He left over an hour ago, after our heated argument. He doesn't like me talking to my friends, and after going through my call history on my cell phone, he learned I did just that today. We argued, yelling every curse word in existence at each other. And when there was nothing more to say, he pulled his vanishing act on me once again. Serves me right for forgetting to erase those calls.
   How did I ever end up here? In this one sided relationship. I threw everything away for a chance at happiness with him. God, I was so stupid. I suppose I still am, I haven't left him after all. But then again, I probably never will. I love him, how could I? What a horrible feeling, being torn in half is. Part of me yearns for a way out, while the other side can't imagine a life without him. And so here I am, enduring this sick love. This love that takes more away from me than what it gives. I realize that now, I have for some time, but I'd never admit it.
   I never let on about my feelings. I'm too proud to let somebody see me down. Even he doesn't realize his actions are tearing away at my insides. How would he? I cry in the shower so he won't hear me, and I never forget to slap on a new smile once I'm out. But, I'm at that point now where it's becoming to difficult to do this. I feel like I'm too busy acting like everything is OK so that people won't worry. I'd hate to be a burden. It's exhausting keeping up appearances.
   Why go on? If this is the life I was meant to have, I don't want it. It isn't living anymore, it's dying a little more each day, a slow, painful death. I know what I have to do. If I can't be happy with him, and I won't be happy without him, it all has to end here. I'm the only one who can bring an end to this twisted carousel ride.
   I'm not sure when I grabbed the knife, I just know I held it firmly in my right hand now. I can't help but smile at the thought of what I'm planning to do, pressing the blade against my left wrist, ever so gently running the teeth across my skin. The blade calling my name, offering peace at last. Peace from what this existence has become. Sadness, insanity, tears for the man who cannot love me back. Can not or will not, I'm not even sure anymore, All I know is I'm tired of this shit, tired of it all. I just want to rest my troubled mind and tattered heart.
   I'm glad he isn't here. He won't be able to barge in and attempt to stop me. No sir, no one will know, until it's too late. And oh, how I bet they'll miss me then. They'll regret the way they treated me all these years. How they so conveniently forgot me here in this corner, left to fend for myself. The time they never made for me, they now will wish they had. Fuck you all! This is my final revenge. Now my name shall plague all of your minds, especially yours, my wretched lover.
   Without hesitation, I must do this now. Make it quick, no use in suffering anymore. I push down on the blade, ripping it across my wrist. The pain instantly shoots out in all directions like a spring of water. Except this isn't water, nothing so pure can come from me. I am after all the disease everyone turns away from.

   Blood, so much blood.

   Who would think so much blood coursed through these veins? I feel it running down my arm, hot and seeking a way to leave this crippled source behind. I look around me as I sink onto the floor, weak from the loss of blood I assume. I hear the carpet SQUISH beneath me, soaked in my crimson shame.
   I did it! No more of this sad life for me. I'm free. I guess I had the strength after all to leave you asshole! You can't hurt me anymore, not where I'm going.
   Why do I feel so thirsty? If I had known I'd be feeling like this I would have had enough sense to have a glass of water next to me when I did this. Oh well, that's all behind me now. Now, I have to simply wait for the comforting darkness, the eternal bliss that comes with death's kiss. Perhaps even happiness.
   I hear the neighbor's dogs barking outside as I lay down on the floor. Barking, they're always barking at nothing. Should have taken care of you guys first. Then that way I could have the silence I yearn for now. Let me close my eyes. Let me try closing my mind to everything that is around me, everything I'm leaving behind. No more barking. No more anything. Peace at last. And then silence most sweet.

Another Trip Into Juarez

 
    Making my way over the border, yet again. The walls on the bridge caked with all kinds of multicolored graffiti. One layer on top of the other, like some demented artist's masterpiece. The random discarded trash of by passers dancing in the wind across the floor along with everyday El Paso dust. And of course I can't leave out the foul odor of beer and urine that greets you as you make your way into Ciudad Juarez. But, I endure it. I have no choice. Not since some idiot decided to run his truck into the side of my car three weeks ago. Leaving me with the burden of trying to find ways to make my way around town to run everyday errands.
   To think this was my daily routine before. Hauling bags of my belongings across the US border, like some homeless with his precious collection of aluminum cans. I don't know how I used to do it. The very thought makes me sick now. The things one is capable of doing when it comes to love. You see, my partner lives in Juarez. That's why I've risked my ass coming into this forgotten corner of the world where drugs and crime reign supreme for the past four years. Coming daily into this little hell hole that so many women slaughtering pigs call home. Ahhhh Ciudad Juarez, some of my best memories are from here.
  But, that's a different story. Many in fact. Today is not one of those days. Today I have my tired legs, screaming for rest, to deal with. What a sight I must be for those passing by in the comfort of their vehicles, with their AC's on full blast, and some inaudible noise they dare call music streaming out of the speakers. Yes, what a sight indeed. My hair flat from the humidity, four engorged bags slung over my shoulders, and soaked in sweat. I really need to lose some weight. There isn't anything sadder in this world than an overweight faggot.
   As I reach the checkpoint, some short, pudgy, Mexican soldier motions me to stop.

   "Una revision joven." He says with a smug tone in his voice.
  
   I fling my things onto the green, plastic table he has beside him for this purpose without the courtesy of opening them for him. That's his job after all, isn't it? He continues on his mission to violate my privacy by sticking his dirty fat hands into my things. He fumbles through clothes, text books from school, shoes, you know, useless shit like that. He then starts with the assault of the usual questions, not once looking me in the eyes.

   "Where are you coming from? What do you do for a living? What's the purpose for your visit to Mexico?"

   I answer, of course, with my usual rehearsed lies," I'm taking time off of work in order to go to school full time, which is where I'm coming from. You see my badge? I'm coming to Mexico to spend the night with my grandmother, she lives here in Juarez."

   I always say I'm staying with this beloved, non-existent grandmother who is so ill she needs me to go spend the night with her. You see, they tend not to ask as many questions when you're going with your poor, sick grandma. Ha! If they only knew the real reason I was going was just to get my brains fucked out of me!

   "Adelante, buenas noches." He states, apparently satisfied with my answer.

   I gather my things and obediently continue on my path, not forgetting to notice the soldier checking my ass out as I walk away. Of course, I made an effort to move them more just for him. Old habits die hard.
   I find myself annoyed by the terrible thundering of the semi trucks pulling their cargo into Juarez. I try to ignore it as I walk through an endless pathway closed in by towering poles on either end. Hungry, steel teeth waiting to devour me. Upon emerging at the end, I'm instantly, ambushed by the litter of taxi drivers, like wild animals hunting their prey. Each offering me a better price for a ride than the one before.

   "Not tonight gentlemen." I state as I wave them away. Very much like you would wave at a pestering fly that won't leave you be. "I've already got a ride."

   I continue walking, leaving the drivers behind me to wait in the shadows for the next pedestrian. My eyes are set on the vendor standing at the corner, shouting at all the vehicles zooming past him. The sight of me reaching for my wallet was all he needed to abandon that and blunder in my direction. Money hungry bastard. I order a pack of cigarettes, Marlboro Gold Touch, which he quickly hands to me. I greedily open the pack and light a cigarette all before he can even hand me my change. He asks if I want some gum or a copy of the Diaro.

   "El Diaro? This fucking late in the day? You're fucking kidding me right?" I snatch my change and walk away laughing.

   I reach my little resting place in "El Parque Chamizal" and after laying my things down I stretch my aching arms. I survey my surroundings, skinny deprived trees with their trunks painted white, yellowing grass, broken cement littered with cigarette butts and stone hard gum, the Mexican flag waving proudly above me from a steel pole about three stories high, a greasy, caramel complected man with black holes in his sad face for eyes with a cart on the corner selling corn in the cup and the herds of pedestrians, with lost expressions, making their way to and from El Paso. Yes, all of this but no sight of my ride. Pulling my phone out, I look at the time. He's running late... again. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's waiting.
   I light another cigarette and become lost in my thoughts. Another weekend spent in Juarez. Another weekend to be lost among the hundreds of weekends spent here before. I hope my car is ready soon. It's been long enough already. I have half a mind not to pay the asshole fixing it the full amount he asked for. Why should I? He's taking his sweet time with it. Doesn't he realize how much I need it?
   My train of thoughts is shattered as Helio finally pulls up. I flick my cigarette into the busy street and pick up my bags off the dirty floor. Walking over to the car, I try smiling at Helio. It doesn't work. I throw my crap into the backseat and sink into the front passenger seat.

   "You're late" I hiss as I click the seatbelt on.

   "I'm sorry baby. It won't happen again" is his reply.
 
   Damn right it won't happen again. It better not if you know what's good for you. Helio reaches over and grabs my hand and suddenly, just like that, I'm not angry anymore. I lean over and give him a kiss on his cheek as we drive off into the bustling streets of Juarez.

Rain. What is it about rain that feels so liberating?

There´s something about running in it that makes it feel as if your troubles have been washed clean right off of you. Perhaps, for me, it´s a reminder of burden free days when I was a mere child. That is when I developed a love for the rain afterall. The sound of thunder and the sight of lightning tearing the skies apart was always so appealing.

Many times, I found myself walking alone, soaked to the bone. Thoughts running rampant in my mind. But always the constant beat of the rain showers calmed me. Even now, as I sit here smoking yet another cigerette, watching the waves of rain. An inner calmness has found it´s way into me. For this brief moment, I am sane. For this brief moment I am me. Suddenly, my thoughts make more sense. I realize that as bad as things are right now, it doesn´t help to sulk. Sure, it can be depressing, infuriating even. BUT SHIT HAPPENS. Then life goes on. It always does, with you or without you. Might aswell enjoy the ride.

Broken Pieces

Struggling,
Through the filth my life has become.
Tired, Oh so tired.
Desperate for a breath of fresh air,
A tiny hint of who I was before,
A reason to smile...
A reason to go on.
Broken pieces,
That is all that remains.
Broken pieces, and nothing more.

Chasing a memory,
Vague like smoke.
An endless pursuit of what once was mine.
If only I could catch it.
Snatch it! Right out of the air,
Then, and only then,
I know I could shed this rotting flesh,
Emerging as what I was really meant to be.
As who I long to be.

But instead,
I watch.
As my hopes and dreams are broken.
Plummeting to the floor,
Like dying butterflies.
Desperately, foolishly fluttering,
On the ground.
Until they´re smashed,
Beneath someone´s foot.
The color in their wings,
Trickling away,
Like blood from an open wound.

Life has carved it´s lessons,
Into my skin.
Scarring me.
Leaving traces.
So that I shall not soon forget,
Happiness comes with a price.
Or so I´ve been taught.

So, why fight against the current?
Let it´s icy dagger pierce my soul,
Once again.
Let it swallow me.
Imprison me.
In my lonely cell.
In my solitude,
To which I am so accustomed to by now.
Let me be lost.
The echo of a ghost.
For I am the only one who insists,
On fixing what is broken...

Broken pieces.
That is all that remains.
Broken pieces, and nothing more.

Warped And Twisted

Harsh words and violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped and twisted

So many tricks and so many lies
Too many whens and too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped and twisted

Sleeping awake, choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's not listed
Lost in someone so warped and twisted

On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the agony that I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted

Burnt out, wasted, empty, and hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
and all that I am is warped and twisted

Dear God

Everytime I come up to breath I sink deeper then before,
And just when my heart is healed, life will shatter me once more,
Havn't I had it bad enough? Must you kick me while im down?
Must you insist on doing nothing as you watch me drown?
My life has been an endless struggle, one I've lost the will to fight,
I'm so tempted to close my eyes and drift away into endless night,
Why can't I ever have happiness? Why must all my days be grey?
What sin have I commited? Why must MY soul decay?
My wings lay torn and broken, why can't I just be free?
Why must I suffer tell me! For no reason can I see!
Why do others have it so easy? Why must I endure?
What makes them so different? Was I not just as pure?
I have reached the end, where everything looks black,
I have lost my way, and I fear there is no coming back.

Love

Love is a confusing thing it clouds the mind and ensnares the heart,
From the begining it takes over it slowly tears you apart,
Seducing your better judgement in its subtle yet lethal way,
Killing you slowly as it poisons your soul day by day,
It leeches itself upon you until its all that you know,
And once it grabs ahold of you its next to impossible to let go.
And as addictive as it is, like an intoxicating drug so sweet,
Like a smiling stranger you just cant help but greet,
That you never suspect it can do what it can do,
Yes you've heard the stories but that cant happen to you,
So you give yourself over and accept it with open arms,
You've been bought, seduced, by its tricks and its charms.
And just when you think you have it all everything falls apart,
And you realize nothing hurts as much as a wounded heart.
So you're left alone to wallow in your shame,
and with a broken heart you realize,
Nothing....
Will ever again be the same.

Sitting In The Rain

Sitting in the rain, thinking of you,
Chilled to the bone frozen all through.
The rain keeps pouring, my heart keeps breaking,
The world gives grief, and I keep taking.
Cant tell the difference between my tears and the rain.
Soaked with the showers and soaked in my pain.
The skies grow darker, the wind grows colder,
And this meloncholy tune grows older.
Lightning flashes and the clouds rumble,
As deeper into this depression I tumble.
For I don't have you, my lover, my friend.
Without you it seems this rain will never end.
Behind the clouds the sun will hide,
Everyday that you're not by my side.
All that is left is the bitter cold,
And lonliness as each day unfolds.
It hasn't stopped raining since that distant day,
When we kissed goodbye and each went our own way.
I'm so lost without your love I don't know what to do,
Other than sit in the rain.... And think of you.

When Is The Right Time To Say I Love You?

When is the right time to say I love you?
When I have you in my arms?
When I'm seduced by all your charms?
When I kiss your soft full lips?
When I hold you from the hips?

When is the right time to say I love you?
When we're gazing into eachothers eyes?
When we hear each other's sighs?
When we hold each other's hands?
When no words are uttered, yet we understand?

When is the right time to say I love you?
When we lay together in bed?
When you're all that's in my head?
When we make love all night long?
When we know nothing can go wrong?

When is the right time to say I love you?
Now, Later, Tommorrow, Past!
My love for you will always last!!!
You are special in all you do!
And now is the right time to say...
I LOVE YOU!!!

Master´s Hands

Music box tinkles her marionette song,
Porcelian doll strings pull her along,
Each moment controlled and precise,
A plan like clockwork she will device,
Her master's hands tighten their grip,
Cord sliced fingertips,
Baring flesh and bone,
Tugging her back to where no daylight shone,
Lifeless, in her box she waits,
To dance her escape,
Bling Ting-A-Ling Bling...
The music begins,
Will she be forgiven her sins?
Echoes of the music box plays,
Triumphant she sways,
Blood splattered walls,
No more strings for this porcelian doll.

Final Step

The flame still flickers within your eyes...
Tarnished hands have made you cry...
Strength is yours...
Walk out that door...
Yes, lonliness will try to get in your way...
Only the fear can hurt you, when you stay...
Know a better life is ahead...
Loving arms will hold you instead...
A flame still flickers within your eyes...
Now is the time, to abandon all lies.

Sleepless Night

It's well past twelve as I lay awake
Laying motionless, staring at the cieling
How many more troubled nights can I take
My heartache has left me numb beyond feeling

Happiness is nothing but a lie
Only tempting you with what will never be
I havn't the strength left to cry
How can you act so ruthless with me

Why did I think I could trust you with my heart
When all you did was break it, like many before
How did I not see the signs from the start
What a fool I was, to think that you could give me more

I contiplate what it was I must have done wrong
As I sulk in sadness, and drown in regret
I'll be tormented with these thoughts all night long
let me ease the nerves with another ciggerette

But alas, the smell of the smoke reminds me of you
And the monster that devours hope awakes
Pain is all I have left now, it's true
As more is cultivated the more my heart breaks

With no choice other then to watch as you walk away
To watch you leave with the best of me
Walking out on all our dreams, hatched that distant day
Broken dreams now, scattered like debris

Tick, tick, tick, the clock disapproves as the hours pass
Hours I spend wandering, lost in the memory of you
For thoughts of you linger, jagged broken glass
My blood is my price, and I will pay my due

Let this end, god please let this end! I have had enough
The sun's first auburn rays, burning bright, spill in from outside
Sleepless night, followed by a restless day, life can be rough
And so starts another agonizing day, I must endure without you by my side.

Adios

Si ya no me quieres, no me lastimes,
No vez que puedo volver a caer,
Sabes de sobra que eres mi vida,
Pero no es justo que deba perder,
Cuando recuerdo tus tiernas palabras,
Me cuesta trabajo llegar a creer
Que me has enganado.
Haciendome a un lado.
No digas mentiras, No quiero saber...
AY!!! Amor anda dilo de una vez,
No temas no es delito
Si me haz dejado de querer...
Mi dolor no lo puedo evitar
Es mejor un fin a tiempo, Aunque duela la verdad.

Alone

It's becoming harder to breathe with each passing day,
My world is closing in and yet I stay,
Where can I run to, where can I hide,
When this agony attacks from inside?

I am alone.

I live my life hiding beneath a mask,
What is it I'm hiding you might ask,
The scars that life has left on me,
The scars I'm too ashamed to let you see.

I am alone.

Further and further into this black abyss I fall,
No one listens to me when I call,
What's the point of even trying,
If I know I'm slowly dying?

I am alone.

The flame I once possesed in my heart,
No longer burns for I've come apart,
With no love to call my own,
I feel the coldness to the bone.

I am alone.

Consumed by indifference and by fear,
I'll finally cry my final tear,
And as this pointless life draws to an end,
I'll share this with you, my only friend;

We are alone...

Lost

No way out, no way out
All these eyes filled with doubt
All these problems chasing me
I just want to scream and shout!

Broken will, broken will
These are shoes too big to fill
Why can't I just be free?
Why do I feel empty still?

Spoken lie, spoken lie
And yet I continue to try
I'm slowly fading can't you see?
The world has abandoned me to die.

Took a chance, took a chance
Lost myself within the trance
The only option left for me
Was to learn the morbid song and dance.

I've lost hope, I've lost hope
There is no way with which to cope
Let this world swallow me
I'll just become one more knot on this rope.

A Journal Entry

My original plans for tonight were to go to bed early, get some sleep for a change. Obviously, that didn't happen. That's the internet for you, a poison so sweet it's victims smile as they pass away. Even now, my eyes burn from the screen's glare. But, I can't seem to pry myself away. The time on the task bar screaming for me to shut my laptop off and go to bed. Fuck you time! When have you ever stopped for me?

I light another ciggerette, the glowing end a drunken firefly stuck in the darkness that surrounds me. I never did care much for light. Then again why would I? It's so much easier to stay unnoticed in the dark. I laugh as I recall how I swore I'd cut back on the ciggerettes, even if ever so slightly. But the craving is too strong, there's no use locking that little monster away. Ribbons of smoke dance across the screen, and I think to myself, I'm here at home curled up on the couch, while HE is out downing drinks and probably talking to some random guy. A random guy standing where I should be, drinking MY beer, smoking MY ciggerettes... Talking with MY... Ugh... take a deep drag. Much better.

What's the point of getting worked up? I'm the one that is going to get stuck putting out the fire. The fire, that no matter how hard I try, I always manage to miss one tiny ember. It lays there waiting, fueled by our problems, growing. But, I never let it grow too big. I always dowse it with my denial.

"Everything is just fine" I tell myself.

"He would never do that to you." More denial.

The sad thing is I realize it now, and yet there it remains. Whatever happened to the times when everything was so easy? When problems were fixed for you? When your heart was never broken? Everything nowadays is a battle. A battle to the death. You can't let your guard down for one second without someone ripping your heart out of you. Take it. It's in such bad condition anyways. All the ducttape in the world couldn't fix that piece of shit if they tried. All it does is get me in trouble.

The comforting silence is shattered with my cell phone screaming for attention. Great, whose calling me now? I reluctantly stand up, still wrapped in a blanket. Staggering,I make my way over to the table, littered with newspapers. A picture of Sergio flashing on my cell's screen.

Ignore.

It would be wonderful if you could just press the ignore button on life. But it doesn't come with one, just my luck. Even the snooze button on my alarm clock is jammed. So that means I won't be able to ignore "Our" problems. Which have become more and more lately. I would think they must fuck more then rabbits do, the way they spring out of nowhere. And always when you least expect it.

Why does it have to be this way? Did the author really neglect to write in a happy ending when he wrote my life? Silly of me, to think I would deserve one. Now I know happy endings, atleast in my case, are unfinished stories.

My life is a big game of Jenga... I stacked all the blocks, and everyday someone will pull one out. It sways this way and that way, always managing to regain it's balance. But the weight of things is straining the bottom blocks (not to mention my shoulders). The obvious is going to happen. My life, what remains of it, is going to give out and crash down. Blocks flying everywhere! Game over.

And you don't help one bit. Selfish. If I didn't love you so much, I would hate you right now. But luckily for you, it doesn't work that way. I can't hate you and love you at the same time. But, I can wait.

You have to admit our love is not what it used to be. Who are you kidding? Ofcourse it isn't. I can see it in your eyes. But there isn't a reason to start pointing fingers. It wouldn't change the fact that you and I are drifting apart. Not only does this cause my heart pain, but my head aswell. All these thoughts have caused me a headache. Love hurts, I never thought they meant that literally. You proved me wrong.

Still, I hope you make it home safely, hopefully alone. It's too early to make any decisions, so for the mean time I'll have to write about it. Perhaps seeing it here, will help me make my decision. Perhaps you seeing it here, will help you realize your error.

Whisper In The Dark

Laying here next to you, I feel so complete,
My head resting on your chest, hearing your heart beat,
Wrapped in your arms there is nothing left to fear,
I've never known true happiness like being here,
Whisper in the dark and tell me what you feel,
Whisper in the dark for only that will make it real.

Laying here next to you, running my fingers through your hair,
Knowing that this moment only you and I will share,
With our bodies intertwined, I give you a kiss,
A night that lasts forever, A suspended moment of perfect bliss,
Whisper in the dark, And tell me you're mine forever,
Whisper in the dark, and tell me you'll leave me never.

Laying here next to you, is the time I like the best,
When it's only you and me and we can forget all the rest,
Fate has given me a love, a love that will be true,
And finally has rewarded me by joining me with you,
Whisper in the dark, before you fall asleep,
Whisper in the dark, words I can always keep.

Laying here next to you, I am so in love,
You are my blessing, just like the stars above,
You bring a joy to my heart I've never felt before,
With each touch of your hand, I love you more and more,
I whisper in the dark, "Thank you for loving me"
I whisper in the dark, "Goodnight my love, forever yours I will be!"

A Sad Existance

In it's cage is trapped the bird
It's cries for freedom seldom heard
A witness to the world outside
In plain view nowhere to hide
It'll never fly though it has wings
A sad existance and yet it sings

Longing to one day be free
Dreaming of the things it see
Behind the bars it views the skies
And every day more of it dies
Living sorrow that each day brings
A sad existance and yet it sings

These four walls are all it'll ever know
Stuck here forever, no place to go
With no choice but to wait and sit
And waste away bit by bit
Wanting a different life and different things
A sad existance and yet it sings

It spreads it's wings to no avail
For there is no way it can prevail
Lonliness it's only friend
Up until the very end
Realizing it will never soar
Until finally one day, it sings no more

Into This Desolation

I find myself wandering, wondering,
Lost in some form of thought,
This wasteland of my life
sprawls ahead and behind me,
And I cannot make it better;
I'm not even sure if I want to.
What would it matter?
I'm doomed to walk this world
as the living disease that creates only tragedy,
I hurt all that I touch,
I burn through everything
that might be precious to me,
I devour each heart that tries to show love,
And I move on,
As if I'm untouched by all this.
But, deep down... I am dying, piece by piece.
Lost in this desolate world I have made for myself.
I wish it was different,
And that I could be something more,
But in the end,
We can only do what we were made to do.
And I was created to destroy.
And so, I destroy

A Rose´s Thorns

A sight to behold! It never fails, all will fall beneath my spell.
My crimson petals, my blood red veil, my alluring fragrance that binds aswell.
Gracefully poised, I simply wait, enchanting all that pass me by,
I know my purpose, I know my fate, As I continue to reach out towards the sky.
Come closer, come closer, heed my call, I hunger for your touch and care,
I hunger for your desire most of all, Make haste! There isn't time to spare!
Another victim coming close, another victim coming near,
Another victim wishing to drown his woes, the wonderous moment is almost here!
He takes me in his hand, his grip is tight,then the taste of blood fills my head!
He never anticipated my viscous bite. Fool! There is a reason my petals are so red.