A Journal Entry

My original plans for tonight were to go to bed early, get some sleep for a change. Obviously, that didn't happen. That's the internet for you, a poison so sweet it's victims smile as they pass away. Even now, my eyes burn from the screen's glare. But, I can't seem to pry myself away. The time on the task bar screaming for me to shut my laptop off and go to bed. Fuck you time! When have you ever stopped for me?

I light another ciggerette, the glowing end a drunken firefly stuck in the darkness that surrounds me. I never did care much for light. Then again why would I? It's so much easier to stay unnoticed in the dark. I laugh as I recall how I swore I'd cut back on the ciggerettes, even if ever so slightly. But the craving is too strong, there's no use locking that little monster away. Ribbons of smoke dance across the screen, and I think to myself, I'm here at home curled up on the couch, while HE is out downing drinks and probably talking to some random guy. A random guy standing where I should be, drinking MY beer, smoking MY ciggerettes... Talking with MY... Ugh... take a deep drag. Much better.

What's the point of getting worked up? I'm the one that is going to get stuck putting out the fire. The fire, that no matter how hard I try, I always manage to miss one tiny ember. It lays there waiting, fueled by our problems, growing. But, I never let it grow too big. I always dowse it with my denial.

"Everything is just fine" I tell myself.

"He would never do that to you." More denial.

The sad thing is I realize it now, and yet there it remains. Whatever happened to the times when everything was so easy? When problems were fixed for you? When your heart was never broken? Everything nowadays is a battle. A battle to the death. You can't let your guard down for one second without someone ripping your heart out of you. Take it. It's in such bad condition anyways. All the ducttape in the world couldn't fix that piece of shit if they tried. All it does is get me in trouble.

The comforting silence is shattered with my cell phone screaming for attention. Great, whose calling me now? I reluctantly stand up, still wrapped in a blanket. Staggering,I make my way over to the table, littered with newspapers. A picture of Sergio flashing on my cell's screen.

Ignore.

It would be wonderful if you could just press the ignore button on life. But it doesn't come with one, just my luck. Even the snooze button on my alarm clock is jammed. So that means I won't be able to ignore "Our" problems. Which have become more and more lately. I would think they must fuck more then rabbits do, the way they spring out of nowhere. And always when you least expect it.

Why does it have to be this way? Did the author really neglect to write in a happy ending when he wrote my life? Silly of me, to think I would deserve one. Now I know happy endings, atleast in my case, are unfinished stories.

My life is a big game of Jenga... I stacked all the blocks, and everyday someone will pull one out. It sways this way and that way, always managing to regain it's balance. But the weight of things is straining the bottom blocks (not to mention my shoulders). The obvious is going to happen. My life, what remains of it, is going to give out and crash down. Blocks flying everywhere! Game over.

And you don't help one bit. Selfish. If I didn't love you so much, I would hate you right now. But luckily for you, it doesn't work that way. I can't hate you and love you at the same time. But, I can wait.

You have to admit our love is not what it used to be. Who are you kidding? Ofcourse it isn't. I can see it in your eyes. But there isn't a reason to start pointing fingers. It wouldn't change the fact that you and I are drifting apart. Not only does this cause my heart pain, but my head aswell. All these thoughts have caused me a headache. Love hurts, I never thought they meant that literally. You proved me wrong.

Still, I hope you make it home safely, hopefully alone. It's too early to make any decisions, so for the mean time I'll have to write about it. Perhaps seeing it here, will help me make my decision. Perhaps you seeing it here, will help you realize your error.